I remember a time where I was much stronger than this.
That fresh, initial hope that finally coming to Christ creates; it lasted me for about five years. My faith was unfaltering, my prayer life was great. I was a positive person.
I was seventeen when all that changed.
If you know me or my husband you know of a person that used to exist on this earth but was suddenly taken away just three days after Christmas in 2010. And because of how ridiculously unfair it seemed that my husband's best friend, Jacob, could be taken from this earth at such short notice I began to distrust The Lord.
I was angry and I never got the chance to deal with any of that anger. I had the soul duty of holding Kirk up because everyone else abandoned him to lick their own wounds. I became angrier and angrier as one by one the people Kirk considered family began to turn their backs and turn their words against him. None of it was fair or just. None of it was understandable.
Everything around me became utterly pointless. If life could end that quickly then why the hell am I here? Struggling over grades for what? Stressing over friendships for what? Filtering my words for what? Keeping up my thought life for WHAT?!
I didn't graduate high school with honors even though I easily could have. I didn't keep friendships even though I probably should have. Everything was pointless and empty and I was tired of acting like I cared. I didn't. I didn't care about much of anything for a long time.
I didn't care about college so I didn't try to stay in it. I became friends with a lot of Kirk's church friends but kept them at arm's length for a long time. They weren't my friends, they were HIS friends. I was just along for the ride. I got fat. I got lazy. I got angrier. I got bitter.
That's when the poison finally began to take hold. Kirk was finally okay but I certainly wasn't. I began to full on doubt God's existence and rationalize that doubt. Everything became more hopeless and emptier than before. I became so paralyzingly afraid of everything. If I was home by myself I was convinced someone was going to break in. I couldn't even enjoy a shower without being consumed with paranoia. I left the bathroom door open. I always had music playing. I would call Kirk in the middle of the night because I thought I heard someone walking outside and I was certain I was about to die. I had horrible nightmares every. single. night.
That's when suicide became not only a common thought, but grew into an option.
No one knew. I surrounded myself with razors like the ones I used to cut with in middle school. I had a note drafted. I was researching methods. I was ready. I wasn't even going to tell anyone until Kirk got it out of me one afternoon. I just laid on the couch and cried. I didn't want to put up with any of it anymore. Life was pointless and I was tired of it. Tired of everyone. Tired of everything.
Naturally he got angry with me. "Who will be there for me then?" he asked. Reminding me of the fact that I, indeed, was the only one that stuck with him through all of the shit that went down after Jacob died. He reminded me of who I was, who Jesus was, and brought up a very obvious fact.
"Your doubt doesn't make God exist any less. He isn't like the Santa from the movie Elf, He isn't going to disappear because you aren't sure that He's there."
I found some comfort in that statement and left it at that. I got a job and I got new distractions. I based my happiness on the next time something fun would happen. Suddenly Kirk and I were engaged and that made me happier for about two weeks. The stress of putting the wedding together kept taking my mind back to that devastating option. I nearly called off the entire thing about four different times. I didn't want anyone to talk to me. The word 'wedding' made me want to throw up. I stopped answering my phone. If it wasn't for my mother's and Kirk's mom's efforts it probably wouldn't have happened because I did just about nothing. It came in a blur. I wasn't nervous nor very excited. The one thing I was excited about was finally being left alone.
Marriage counseling brought a lot of those feelings to the surface. Kirk realized he never really stopped to think about how I was affected by Jacob's death, or what being the only person to help him through it did to me. We would go home and I would tell him of how tired I was of talking to people. Of doing anything.
I got to go out of town and get a short break from all of the stress. I stayed at my dad's in Nashville and got some new perspective from a very urgent, first real conversation I had with God in years. My wedding came and it was awesome. It was the best day of my life.
The only reason I'm writing this at all is that the emptiness and hopelessness consumed me again last week and I was an absolute crazy woman for a few days. Nothing was okay, I didn't feel okay or happy. I thought getting married would be some magical band aid that would make me feel better and it didn't and once again nothing mattered. Nothing was good enough. Life, once again, seemed completely not worth it.
Kirk once again dealt with those feelings with grace and love. Reminding me who I was and who Jesus is. What our life as Christians really is about.
This morning I felt the warmth in my core as I allowed Jesus to add fuel to the smouldering coals within me. My life as a follower of Christ isn't about how I feel. It isn't even about me at all. I haven't been usable because of the poison I've been giving myself. I haven't been able to find my purpose because I was disabling myself. I was put on this earth for a reason and it wasn't to be consumed by the injustice of the world. I wasn't put on this earth to listen and believe the deceitful whispers of the enemy when I'm at my lowest points. I am thankful that my God is a big God that can take my anger because that is all that I've given Him for years. I am also thankful for a God that has the patience to wait on an ignorant child as she points the finger and the blame at everyone but herself. As she deems the precious life she was given worthless. I am thankful for my God who forgives and loves and has open arms as I find myself running at full speed back to Him on this day.
I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With Him at my right hand, I will not be shaken. -Psalm 16:8
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