http://danieliswrong.blogspot.com/2014/04/coffee-and-word-chronicles-of-christian.html
The point that struck me the most was the first one entitled' "I have a need to be remarkable".
Ever since I graduated high school in 2011 I've been going through a major crisis. For the past three years I have effectively convinced myself that I am, indeed, useless. Talent-less. "There is no calling for me and I have no idea why I'm still here anyway."
Throughout my childhood into my teenage years I was known for being a few things, an amazing writer, a pretty good photographer, and a really freaking good listener. I began writing stories at age ten. I finished my first full length novel at age thirteen. I had a pretty constant novel going on Myspace (haha, Myspace) that got loads of encouraging feedback. My poetry not only moved my tenth grade Creative Writing teacher to tears but elevated me to being cool enough to be friends with the seniors that were also in that class.
Then I entered two consecutive AP Literature classes. I literally never wanted to, nor could bring myself to creatively write again. My creativeness was smothered by the standards of classes that I ultimately never got any college credit for anyway. After being forced to drop out of college I sunk into a pit of self loathing because I had done all that work and effectively killed the creative part of my brain for nothing.
Enter my picture taking phase. It started in middle school and slowly advanced with the quality of camera and amount of time I put into the hobby. By the year 2012 I was taking pictures like the one below and felt that maybe one day I could be a professional photographer.
That dream more or less died when I dropped my fancy camera at a concert because it wasn't secured to the strap around my neck. I no longer have the time nor the money to invest in taking pictures that no one appreciates, anyway.
As for my great listening skills, the more I convinced myself that I was useless the more I retreated within myself and no longer cared to listen to anything but my own self-depreciating thoughts.
After years and years and years of praying for some sign as to why I'm on this earth I still have no idea why. There is no inescapable calling on my life, and if there is I am undoubtedly blind to it. And up until I read this article I thought that if there was no great calling, that meant that there was no great purpose.
All of my friends are utterly saturated with talent. A softball player so talented that she not only is getting a free ride to college but hopes to be in the Olympics and very well could be. A writer who not only is better and more disciplined than I, but who is also going to college to pursue a Creative Writing degree and is about to be published. An artist that can do just about anything that pops in her head. Whether it be drawing, painting, photography, sculpting, or cooking... she can do it all effortlessly. A musician who can not only play the guitar, piano, drums, bass guitar, and violin, but is KNOWN around the CSRA as being one of the best guitar players out there.
And then there's me. I'm not even as funny as I like to think I am, and I have tried to be the funniest person in the room since before I can remember.
Useless. Short. Ugly. Talent-less. Uncool. Unfunny. A complete waste. Or so I thought.
A few days ago I posted a blog about how the phrase "If God wasn't ok with it, I wouldn't have been born this way" with someone in particular on my heart while writing it. Not only was I lead to write the blog, but the person I was thinking of the entire time I was writing it SAW it and decided made a major life change after reading it.
And that got me thinking about all the other times I had no idea God was speaking through me until someone told me He was.
Though I am not remarkable and I have no overwhelming talent in one area, God has chosen to speak through me and use either my writing, my lifestyle, or my past experiences to touch someone.
Through this realization I have become more comfortable with my "talent-less" existence. I may not be the smartest, the prettiest, the most creative, the most athletic, the most inspiring, or most humorous person out there, BUT I CAN STILL BE USED.
All in all my life probably isn't going to be about being great. And considering the massive issue I have with my pride, that's a good thing. There is a reason for everything.
In the end that's all I really wanted anyway. To be used somewhere, somehow. To feel like I have some sort of purpose.
And I do, praise God.
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