Immovable. (Fini)

Amongst my circle of friends it is a known tidbit that I don't care for movies or TV shows very much. That is, serious movies or TV shows. This scenario plays out very often

"Hey guys, let's watch blah blah blah." *insert serious movie title here like The Last Samurai or something* Usually someone, like my husband or my husband's best friend, will shake their head and reply

"Nope. Remember guys? Erin doesn't like to feel."

It's true. I don't like to feel. It's a defense mechanism I adopted early on in childhood and don't have much need for now, but I still use it. However, when it comes to my job it's pretty handy. I have the best poker face when it comes time to walk into my place of employment. Lady Gaga herself would be jealous. I have this ability to just dive into something else completely and trick myself into ignoring whatever else may be going on. If a stray feeling or uncomfortable thought may arise I quickly toss it into the "I'll deal with it later" pit in the back of my mind. Which essentially means I don't really deal with anything when I should. I always find myself saving it for a figurative "later" that never happens.

Except for every twenty eight days.

Me being a woman means that every twenty eight days Mother Nature comes calling and is once again disappointed by the lack of child within my womb. She then becomes angry because what in the world else am I good for? (If you didn't know, Mother Nature is quite sexist). In her anger she unleashes hell upon my hormones, my emotions, my poker face. She follows her bookmarked MapQuest directions straight to my "I'll deal with it later" pit and proceeds to dig everything up. Throw in a couple of cramps, some awful bloating, and a horrible headache and I am left spiraling in my feelings. All of them. SPIRALING

In the midst of my spiraling over the weekend my husband and I had a bit of a spat. By spat I mean I was treading feelings and being an ass to my husband so he was trying to get to the bottom of it. After finally getting me to snap out of it and a good ugly cry I said

"I'm sorry I put you through this every month."

To which he replied

"It's okay, I expect it. That's why I get less angry every month."

Then he dropped quite a bomb that I haven't been able to escape from

"Erin. You went through the same crap in your childhood as I did and I am immovable. Nothing effects me if I don't want it to. You know that. And you have the very same ability to be as immovable as I am, you just don't do it."


We both had tumultuous childhoods. Yet my husband stands steadfast against every adversary that appears and I allow myself to remain a victim to my own feelings. I run and hide until what I've avoided amounts to such a juggernaut that I find myself crushed from within. Instead of speaking in love and support to my husband I speak with a sharp, unforgiving tongue. I lash out to my mother. I ignore my friends. I wallow in my disparity and woe. It isn't worth it. I can't take it anymore.


Pathetic. And it happens every twenty eight days.


My husband's relationship with Jesus is where he draws his strength and after our little spat and that great big bomb he dropped I was fishing around for some scripture to back up this new term floating around in my head. Immovable. Much in the way that Jesus pulled Peter out of the water the minute he began to sink, I longed for an outstretched hand to pull me out of my feelings.

"Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain." -1 Corinthians 15:58 NIV

As Christians our very lives are the work of the Lord. My very existence pays homage to the God of Creation. I am fearfully and wonderfully made and I have the ability to stand with my Savior and bravely face whatever troubles may come. I don't need an "I'll deal with it later" pit that resides in the deep, dark confines of my mind. I have nothing to fear and I can refuse to give my hormones a catalyst. What can I do through Christ who strengthens me? Oh, that's right. ALL THINGS. Even feel and deal with things when they happen like a real adult. What do I need to hide from when I know that nothing I go through is in vain? Why in the world do I need a silly defense mechanism when I have none other than the God of the Universe on my side?

There is indeed, victory in Jesus. From past experiences. From disparity and woe. From myself. I don't have to shy away from movies or TV shows because I'm afraid of what I might feel. I don't have to have a seasoned poker face. I don't have to dread my hormones being the catalyst of some sort of breakdown every twenty eight days. I have freedom to feel and the comfort of a Savoir that is with me through the good days and the bad. I can be immovable.